Saturday, March 12, 2005

Friday Night Standup: Mitch Hedberg (Part One)

*Pic* Mitch Hedberg

  • I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.
  • I used to do drugs. I still do drugs. But I used to, too.
  • The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.
  • I got an ant farm. Them fellas didn't grow shit.
  • I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.
  • Last week I helped my friend stay put. It's a lot easier than helping someone move. I just went over to his house and made sure that he did not start to load shit into a truck.
  • I got my hair highlighted, because I felt some strands were more important than others.
  • I had a stick of Carefree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.
  • I want to be a race car passenger: just a guy who bugs the driver. "Say man, can I turn on the radio? You should slow down. Why do we gotta keep going in circles? Can I put my feet out the window? Boy, you really like Tide."
  • I got in an argument with a girlfriend inside of a tent. That's a bad place for an argument, because I tried to walk out, and had to slam the flap.
  • I type a 101 words a minute. But it's in my own language.
  • I think Bigfoot is blurry, that's the problem. It's not the photographer's fault. Bigfoot is blurry. And that's extra scary to me, because there's a large, out-of-focus monster roaming the countryside. Run. He's fuzzy. Get outta here.
  • My sister wanted to be an actress, but she never made it. She does live in a trailer. She made it half way. She's an actress, she just never gets called to the set.
  • I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it

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Aisha said...

Question: Have YOU tried stand-up? You are so funny, would be a hit!

I am sure I heard you mention the Gold is some poetry for you, Miss New Orleans (in my mailbox):

Dear Friends,

Make plans to join us for this special Wednesday Night presentation celebrating New Orleans contributors in the latest Furious Flowers Anthology. Indeed, we are looking forward to your company on this very special occasion.

All Best,
Dave Brinks

* * * * * * * * * * * *

upcoming @ The Gold Mine Saloon


p r e s e n t s



"Furious Flowers Anthology" Contributors Reading

featuring poets


Free Admisson

The GOLD MINE SALOON is located at 701 Dauphine Street in the French Quarter (corner of Dauphine & St. Peter), 586-0745 OR 568-9125.

More Info @

Donna said...

Funny stuff!

geoffe said...

This guy is a genius. I have seen him a few times and he gets funnier each time.

sleepybomb said...

that was too funny! where did you see him at? he reminds me a little of stven wright.
great stuff. . .

Laurie said...

Aisha, we've been to the Gold Mines many times. It's where we first discovered Flaming Dr. Peppers. Great Place.

Sleepybomb, I first heard of Mitch through my nephews and subsequently saw him on Comedy Central. I would love to see him in person.

Mark Alread said...

Mitch has to be one of my favorite comedians I saw him on leno or letterman and just laughed out loud (which is rare for lots of comedians acts now days) I have for ever been trying to find out more about im and his appearances but never knew his full name. My favorite joke has to be about his music being too loud and the guy in the next apartment keeps knocking on the wall. "Now if your knocking to come in you gotta go around to the front of the building where the front door is. I dont know whats on your side of the wall like there is a door or something but on this side its all flat!"

I am so glad Abby linked me to your blog.