Friday Night Standup: Mitch Hedberg (Part One)

*Pic* Mitch Hedberg

• I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.
• I used to do drugs. I still do drugs. But I used to, too.
• The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.
• I got an ant farm. Them fellas didn't grow shit.
• I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.
• Last week I helped my friend stay put. It's a lot easier than helping someone move. I just went over to his house and made sure that he did not start to load shit into a truck.
• I got my hair highlighted, because I felt some strands were more important than others.
• I had a stick of Carefree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.
• I want to be a race car passenger: just a guy who bugs the driver. "Say man, can I turn on the radio? You should slow down. Why do we gotta keep going in circles? Can I put my feet out the window? Boy, you really like Tide."
• I got in an argument with a girlfriend inside of a tent. That's a bad place for an argument, because I tried to walk out, and had to slam the flap.
• I type a 101 words a minute. But it's in my own language.
• I think Bigfoot is blurry, that's the problem. It's not the photographer's fault. Bigfoot is blurry. And that's extra scary to me, because there's a large, out-of-focus monster roaming the countryside. Run. He's fuzzy. Get outta here.
• My sister wanted to be an actress, but she never made it. She does live in a trailer. She made it half way. She's an actress, she just never gets called to the set.
• I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it