Jack Benny quotes:
A scout troop consists of twelve little kids dressed like schmucks following a big schmuck dressed like a kid.
Give me golf clubs, fresh air and a beautiful partner, and you can keep the clubs and the fresh air.
I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don't deserve that either.
I don't want to tell you how much insurance I carry with the Prudential, but all I can say is: when I go, they go too.
My wife Mary and I have been married for forty-seven years and not once have we had an argument serious enough to consider divorce; murder, yes, but divorce, never.
I went to a meeting for premature ejaculators. I left early.
A cannibal is a guy who goes into a restaurant and orders the waiter.
For those of you too young to know, Jack Benny was also known as being notoriously cheap:
"I took my girl to dinner, and she laughed so hard at one of my jokes that she dropped her tray." ~ Jack Benny
(at a charity dinner) "I had my choice tonight of buying a hundred-dollar ticket or being up here on the dais . . . So, good evening, ladies and gentlemen."
~ Jack Benny