Saturday, March 05, 2005

Friday Night Standup (Saturday Version #2)

Jack Benny quotes:

A scout troop consists of twelve little kids dressed like schmucks following a big schmuck dressed like a kid.

Give me golf clubs, fresh air and a beautiful partner, and you can keep the clubs and the fresh air.

I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don't deserve that either.

I don't want to tell you how much insurance I carry with the Prudential, but all I can say is: when I go, they go too.

My wife Mary and I have been married for forty-seven years and not once have we had an argument serious enough to consider divorce; murder, yes, but divorce, never.

I went to a meeting for premature ejaculators. I left early.

A cannibal is a guy who goes into a restaurant and orders the waiter.

For those of you too young to know, Jack Benny was also known as being notoriously cheap:
"I took my girl to dinner, and she laughed so hard at one of my jokes that she dropped her tray." ~ Jack Benny

(at a charity dinner) "I had my choice tonight of buying a hundred-dollar ticket or being up here on the dais . . . So, good evening, ladies and gentlemen."
~ Jack Benny

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