Friday Night Standup (Saturday Version) - Johnny Carson

• Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place.
• For three days after death, hair and fingernails continue to grow but phone calls taper off.
• Happiness is your dentist telling you it won't hurt and then having him catch his hand in the drill.
• I know a man who gave up smoking, drinking, sex, and rich food. He was healthy right up to the day he killed himself.
• I was so naive as a kid I used to sneak behind the barn and do nothing.
• If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.
• If variety is the spice of life, marriage is the big can of leftover Spam.
• New York is an exciting town where something is happening all the time, most unsolved.
• When turkeys mate they think of swans.