Saturday, March 19, 2005

Friday Night Standup (Saturday Version) - Johnny Carson

  • Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place.
  • For three days after death, hair and fingernails continue to grow but phone calls taper off.
  • Happiness is your dentist telling you it won't hurt and then having him catch his hand in the drill.
  • I know a man who gave up smoking, drinking, sex, and rich food. He was healthy right up to the day he killed himself.
  • I was so naive as a kid I used to sneak behind the barn and do nothing.
  • If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.
  • If variety is the spice of life, marriage is the big can of leftover Spam.
  • New York is an exciting town where something is happening all the time, most unsolved.
  • When turkeys mate they think of swans.

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