Friday Night Standup - Rodney Dangerfield

• I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand.
• I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
• I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.
• I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.
• I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.
• I met the surgeon general - he offered me a cigarette.
• I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
• I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.
• I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.
• I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.
• I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.
• I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I've just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.
• It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass.
• My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.
• My mother had morning sickness after I was born.
• My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend.
• My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.
• My uncle's dying wish - he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.
• My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
• My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it.
• My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home.
• My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive.
• My wife was afraid of the dark... then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light.
• On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.
• The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.
• This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.
• We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations - we're doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.
• What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my wife.
• When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.
• When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.
• With me, nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex every night. Now, we'll never see each other!
• Yeah, I know I'm ugly... I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.' He said 'God beat me to it.'