Friday, February 25, 2005

Friday Night Standup - Rodney Dangerfield

  • I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand.
  • I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
  • I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.
  • I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.
  • I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.
  • I met the surgeon general - he offered me a cigarette.
  • I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
  • I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.
  • I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.
  • I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.
  • I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.
  • I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I've just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.
  • It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass.
  • My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.
  • My mother had morning sickness after I was born.
  • My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend.
  • My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.
  • My uncle's dying wish - he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.
  • My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
  • My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it.
  • My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home.
  • My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive.
  • My wife was afraid of the dark... then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light.
  • On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.
  • The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.
  • This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.
  • We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations - we're doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.
  • What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my wife.
  • When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.
  • When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.
  • With me, nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex every night. Now, we'll never see each other!
  • Yeah, I know I'm ugly... I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.' He said 'God beat me to it.'

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