Saturday, April 22, 2006

You Must Be Joking

A man goes into a psychiatrist's office, dressed only in Saran Wrap.
The psychiatrist says, "Well I can clearly see you're nuts."

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Interrupting cow.

Who's there?
Schizophrenic interrupting cow.
Schizophrenic inter-

Knock knock?
Who's there?
Control freak.
Now you say "control freak who?"

Last night I dreamt I was eating a giant marshmallow and when I woke up my giant marshmallow was gone!

Q: What's the difference between a 7-11 and a smurf?
A: A 7-11 is a 24-hour convenience store and a smurf is a small blue fictional cartoon character.

J: How many frogs does it take to screw in a light bulb?
L: I don't know, how many?
J: Five!
L: Why five?
J: [shrug] I dunno.

Why do farts stink?
So deaf people can enjoy them too.

Two cows are grazing together. One says to the other, "By the way, aren't you getting worried about that mad cow disease that's going around?"
The second cow replies, "I don't give a shit - I'm a helicopter."

Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella?
Fo' drizzle!

A rabbi, a horse, and an astronaut walk into a bar. The barman looks at the three of them and says "Hey, what is this, some kind of joke?"

Did you hear about the woman who walked into a bar and asked for a double entendre?
The barman gave her one.

Two guys walk into a bar.
Which is odd, because you would think at least one of them would have seen it first.

A duck walks into a convenience store. "Hi," he says, "got any duck food?" "No," replies the clerk. "Okay," the duck says, and leaves. Next day, the same duck walks into the same convenience store. The same clerk is there. "Hi, got any duck food?" asks the duck. "I told you yesterday, no!" the clerk says. "Okay," says the duck, and leaves. This continues for a couple of days until finally the clerk can't take any more. "Look," he snaps, "we didn't have any duck food yesterday, we don't have any today, and we won't have any tomorrow! And if you come in here and ask me for duck food one more time, I'm going to nail your bill to the floor!" Then he kicks the duck out of the store. A few weeks later, the duck comes back. "Hi," he says, "got any nails?" The clerk is taken aback. "No," he replies. "Great!" says the duck. "Got any duck food?"

There was this baby polar bear running around playing away quite happily for a while when he comes to his mother and says "Mummy, am I a real polar bear?""Of course you are dear, now go and play."A little while later he comes back and says "Mummy, are you QUITE sure I am a real polar bear?""Yes dear, I am QUITE sure you are a real polar bear. Now go and play because Mummy is busy, dear."A little while later he comes back yet again and asks "Mummy, are you POSITIVE that I am a real polar bear?""Yes dear, I am positive about that. Your father is a real polar bear father and I'm a real polar bear mummy and you are a real polar bear baby.""Well, if I am a REAL polar bear, why am I so fucking cold?"

How many kids with ADD does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Guy writing to the Bombay Zoo:
Dear Sir, Please send me two mongooses.
Dear Sir, Please send me two mongeese.
That's not it...
Dear Sir, Please send me two mongi.
Dear Sir, Please send me a mongoose. On second thought, make it two.

What did the farmer say when he opened his barn and his plow was missing?
"Where's my plow?"

Q: What has two legs and bleeds a lot?
A: Half of a cat.

Two friends are hiking in the woods, when they suddenly come across a wide, deep, perfectly round hole in the ground. It is so deep, they cannot see the bottom. Intrigued, one friend finds a pebble and drops it in... silence. The second friend finds a large rock, hefts it over, and pushes it into the hole... silence. Finally, the first friend finds a huge wooden plank, pushes it in, and listens... silence.Then a goat comes running through the forest at about 60 mph and jumps straight into the hole, disappearing.As the two friends are taking this in, an old farmer walks by.Farmer: "excuse me, have you seen my goat?"Friend: "we saw a goat, but it just ran straight into this mysterious hole."Farmer: "Oh, then that goat couldn't have been mine. My goat was tied to a huge wooden plank"

Why do mice have such small balls?
Because very few mice know how to dance.

A termite walks into a bar and says, "Is the bar tender here?"

A man is sitting in his living room, hears a knock at the door. Opens the door, nobody there. He looks down and sees a snail on the front porch. Huh. He picks it up and chucks it as hard as he can. Three years later, the man is sitting in his living room, hears a knock. Opens the door. There's a snail on his porch.
Snail says, "What the hell was that all about?"

A dog goes into a telegram office and says to the operator, "Woof woof woof woof woof woof. "
The operator copies it down and says, "You know you can send one more woof for the same price."
The dog says, "But, then it wouldn't make sense."


Jen T. (that's me) said...


jessada said...


Comfort Addict said...

Funny stuff, Laurie. Did you make up all of those yourself? If so, you have a future in comedy.

Laurie said...

Jen - :)

Jess - :) :)

Comfort Addict - Bless you! I wish I was that funny. I do recognize funny when I hear it though.

Chris said...

Excellent stuff considering you are part cannibal....hey, does this clown taste funny to you?

Two atoms are walking out of a bar and the first one exclaims, "Oh no! I've lost an electron."

"Are you sure?" askes his friend.

"Yes, I'm positive!"

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Laurie said...

Chris - That's funny because my dad is also a clown. :)

Peter said...

Very funny stuff there Laurie.

Laurie said...

Peter - I love a good joke. :)

Neal said...

I just peed a little reading that.

Laurie said...

Neal in Antarctica - Oh, my! Don't walk outside right now, then. We wouldn't want things sticking where they shouldn't.