Thursday, August 10, 2006

Meet the Flintstones

Back in the Swinging Sixties, sexually adventurous couples would go to swinger parties where the men would put their car keys in a hat. At some point in the evening, after much alcohol had been consumed and much marijuana had been smoked, the hat would be passed around and the women would pick a set of keys. The woman and the owner of whichever set of keys she selected would then get down and get funky with their bad selves. According to Wikipedia, there are still versions of this activity happening today involving dorm room keys. It’s good to see today’s youngsters carrying on the lovely old traditions of their grandparents.

A while back, I surfed past an episode of Married…With Children shortly after watching a little bit of All in the Family and wondered what would happen if, for some reason, Archie Bunker hooked up with Peg Bundy. So, I wrote some classic television character names down on pieces of paper, put them in a hat and played Classic TV Key Party. I lead a full and fascinating life.

Below are the couplings exactly as I pulled them out of the hat. We must make two assumptions: Marcia Brady is 18 years old and cartoon characters can have sex with real people. I make no assumptions or disclaimers as to the sex life of The Flying Nun.

Keep in mind that, if this were real life, the Classic TV Woman would have pulled a set of Classic TV Keys out of a Classic TV Hat and she and her Classic TV Stud would have then gone to a bedroom or into the swinging swimming pool and they would have had wild Classic TV Sex alongside some of these other Classic TV Couplings. I’m thinking the Beverly Hillbillies mansion and cement pond would have been perfect. Go Granny.

Here is how they would arrive at the party:
Al and Peggy Bundy
Archie and Edith Bunker
Barney Fife and Thelma Lou
Andy Taylor and Helen Crump
Howard Sprague and Aunt Bee
Howard and Marion Cunningham
Arthur "Fonzie" Fonzarelli and Pinky Tuscadero
Barney Miller and Murphy Brown
George and Louise Jefferson
Jack Tripper and Chrissy Snow
Mr. Furley and Janet Wood
Stanley and Helen Roper
Darren and Samantha Stephens
Major Nelson and Jeannie
Thurston and Lovey Howell
The Professor and Ginger Grant
Gilligan and Mary Ann Summers
The Skipper and Endora
Ted Baxter and Mary Richards
Lou Grant and Sue Ann Nivens
Ward and June Cleaver
Eddie Haskell and The Flying Nun
Oliver and Lisa Douglas
Jed Clampett and Granny
Jethro Bodine and Elly May Clampett
Herman and Lily Munster
Gomez and Morticia Addams
Keith Partridge and Marcia Brady
Marshall Dillon and Miss Kitty
Ricky and Lucy Ricardo
Fred and Ethel Mertz
Fred Sanford and Aunt Esther
Rob and Laura Petrie
Fred and Wilma Flintstone
Barney and Betty Rubble
George and Jane Jetson

Here are the Key Party Pairings:

Al Bundy and Samantha Stevens
Archie Bunker and Louise Jefferson
Barney Fife and Elly May Clampett
Andy Taylor and Morticia Addams
Howard Sprague and Mary Ann Summers
Howard Cunningham and Sue Ann Nivens
Arthur "Fonzie" Fonzarelli and Peggy Bundy
Barney Miller and Aunt Esther
George Jefferson and Ginger Grant
Jack Tripper and Marion Cunningham
Mr. Furley and Lovey Howell
Stanley Roper and Miss Kitty
Darren Stephens and Marcia Brady
Major Nelson and Betty Rubble
Thurston Howell, III and Endora
The Professor and Pinky Tuscadero
Gilligan and Laura Petrie
The Skipper and Granny
Ted Baxter and Chrissy Snow
Lou Grant and Lily Munster
Ward Cleaver and Wilma Flintstone
Eddie Haskell and Lisa Douglas
Oliver Douglas and Murphy Brown
Jed Clampett and Jane Jetson
Jethro Bodine and Mary Richards
Herman Munster and Aunt Bee
Gomez Addams and Janet Wood
Keith Partridge and Edith Bunker
Marshall Dillon and Ethel Mertz
Ricky Ricardo and Helen Roper
Fred Mertz and Jeannie
Fred Sanford and June Cleaver
Rob Petrie and Lucy Ricardo
Fred Flintstone and Helen Crump
Barney Rubble and Thelma Lou
George Jetson and The Flying Nun


Jen T. (that's me) said...

Oh no! June Cleaver gets stuck with Fred Sanford!?! ***Clutches chest*** Oh, Lord, it's the big one!

Larry Jones said...

June would get along fine with Fred Sanford. After all, she speaks Jive.

Laurie said...

Jen - I knew you'd like that one.

Larry - Oh, my God! That's right! Hahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!!!!

Sudiegirl said...

I'm diggin' the whole Professor and Pinky Tuscadero thing...if he's like any other professor or grad student I know, he's longing to play Henry Higgins to some young unpolished woman.

I have an idea...maybe with each couple, we could formulate what their "bedroom talk" would be like? For example...with the Prof and Pinky...

"Well, Ms. Tuscadero, I see you have a Harley Davidson. You do realize that they were the pioneers of the American motorcycle industry?"

"Yeah, and I give a hell of a lube job too. You want one?"

The possibilities are endless...let me know and we can get creative, I'm sure.


Anonymous said...

Okay. Now you're getting a little freaky. But, I will say, the combination and Mr Howell and Endora are very interesting. His need for power and her ability to give it to him. They'd run the world.

Baby Sis

Laurie said...

Sudie - That's great! See my next post.

Baby Sis - I could do a whole blog analyzing the combinations. I knew you people would come up with some good stuff!!

JerseyTjej said...

ok,I can't EVEN get past the list to tell you that I think we are up from a Bert...

Laurie said...

Jersey - Oh, my. Oh, my, my, my...

:P fuzzbox said...

What about Pee Wee Herman and Spongebob SquarePants? Spongebob would have made him an excellent prison bitch.

Laurie said...

Fuzzbox - You've brought us to a whole different level. I need to do one just for cartoon characters and perhaps lifting gender restrictions?

Zina said...

If you did that last one everyone already knows that Velma from Scooby Doo would end up with Peppermint Patty.

The only thing that caught my eye is that Thelma Lou won't have to worry about screaming out the wrong name....she's with Barney Ruble.

Laurie said...

Zina - Barney!!!! Hahahahah! That's a good one. So you think Thelma Lou is a screamer?

Zina said...


Laurie said...

Zina - =:0

Sudiegirl said... HAVE to rent "Grandma's Boy" just to see Shirley Jones get it on with a guy that's old enough to be her grandson.

She talks about giving Charlie Chaplin a hand job and doing both Abbott and Costello.

It's the funniest thing I've ever seen her do!

Seriously, check it out.

All three old ladies get stoned, too. It's a trip...they're watching Univision and don't understand what's being said but they still laugh their a$$es off.

Laurie said...

Sudie - I've never heard of that one. I'll check it out.