Wednesday, August 16, 2006

In Laurie's Brain - You're Fired Hallsnark Cards

Outside:
We all wish you much luck and happiness as you begin your new career…

Inside:
…somewhere else.

You’re fired.


Outside:
Nice job on the new project.
It really caught the attention of our competitors…

Inside:
…and their copyright attorneys.

You’re fired.


Outside:
Greetings, to one of our friendliest employees!

Inside:
Contrary to popular opinion, blow jobs are not part of our customer service policy.

You’re fired.


Outside:
Our deepest sympathies on your latest episode of (circle all that apply):

migraine
female trouble
sinus trouble
back trouble
car trouble
“It’s NOT a hangover, I swear” symptoms (nausea, headache, diarrhea, increased sensitivity to assholes)
another sick relative
another dead relative


Inside:
DO THE MATH:

Number of sick days accrued

MINUS

Number of sick days used

DIVIDED BY

Our tolerance for bullshit

EQUALS

You’re fired.


Outside:
Welcome to the Guns, Guns, Guns family!

Inside:
Unfortunately, we have been informed that your employment here violates the conditions of your parole.

We’re sure that the omission of your parole status on your application was purely unintentional.

By the way, we hear Cupcakes, Cupcakes, Cupcakes is hiring.



Outside:
Dear former employee…

Inside:
You came to work late.
You drank on the job.
You called me a bitch.
I called you a slob.

You always were high.
Of pot you did reek.
You called me a twat.
I called you a freak.

You said you would sue
And that made me laugh.
I still have your pee.
So, just kiss my ass.

8 comments:

Jen T. (that's me) said...

Good ones. :)

Popeye said...

Damn. Now I'm afraid to open this friggin' envelope. . .

so said...

Those were great! Your Guns, Guns, Guns one reminded me of interviewing a candidate who told me he was buying as many automatic weapons as possible before they were outlawed. Needless to say, I did not hire him. Perhaps, there could be a Hallsnark series for interviewees!

Laurie said...

Jen - Thanks. :)

Popeye - Be fearless!

SO - Ask and you shall receive...next week.

Sophmom said...

You have a gift, darlin'.

Laurie said...

Sophmom - I hope it's returnable.

Jod{i} said...

These are great! I really think you should open up a cafepress store and sell em...Hell My company would buy them!

Laurie said...

Jodi - I think I'll check into that this weekend.