We all wish you much luck and happiness as you begin your new career…
Nice job on the new project.
It really caught the attention of our competitors…
…and their copyright attorneys.
Greetings, to one of our friendliest employees!
Contrary to popular opinion, blow jobs are not part of our customer service policy.
Our deepest sympathies on your latest episode of (circle all that apply):
“It’s NOT a hangover, I swear” symptoms (nausea, headache, diarrhea, increased sensitivity to assholes)
another sick relative
another dead relative
DO THE MATH:
Number of sick days accrued
Number of sick days used
Our tolerance for bullshit
Welcome to the Guns, Guns, Guns family!
Unfortunately, we have been informed that your employment here violates the conditions of your parole.
We’re sure that the omission of your parole status on your application was purely unintentional.
By the way, we hear Cupcakes, Cupcakes, Cupcakes is hiring.
Dear former employee…
You came to work late.
You drank on the job.
You called me a bitch.
I called you a slob.
You always were high.
Of pot you did reek.
You called me a twat.
I called you a freak.
You said you would sue
And that made me laugh.
I still have your pee.
So, just kiss my ass.