Friday Night Standup - Several Weeks Late (I've Been a Bit Distracted)

• If you ever see me getting beaten by the police, put down the video camera and come help me.--Bobcat Goldthwait
• Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they're eating sandwiches.--Jim Carrey
• Thou shall not kill. Thou shall not commit adultery. Don't eat pork. I'm sorry, what was that last one?? Don't eat pork. God has spoken. Is that the word of God or is that pigs trying to outsmart everybody?--Jon Stewart
• I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.--Elayne Boosler
• I'm half-Italian and half-Polish. So I'm always putting a hit out on myself.--Judy Tenuta
• Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?--John Mendoza
• Relationships are hard. It's like a full-time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp.--Bob Ettinger
• I don't know what's wrong with my television set. I was getting C-Span and the Home Shopping Network on the same station. I actually bought a congressman.--Bruce Baum
• I had a linguistics professor who said that it's man's ability to use language that makes him the dominant species on the planet. That may be. But I think there's one other thing that separates us from animals. We aren't afraid of vacuum cleaners.--Jeff Stilson
• Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives.--Sue Murphy
• The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they are okay, then it's you.--Rita Mae Brown
• Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.--Jerry Seinfeld
• I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say because it's such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my mother is attractive, but I have photographs of her.--Ellen DeGeneres
• USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population.--David Letterman
• If God doesn't destroy Hollywood Boulevard, he owes Sodom and Gomorrah an apology.--Jay Leno
• A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede jacket. 'You know a cow was murdered for that jacket?' she sneered. I replied in a psychotic tone, 'I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too.'--Jake Johansen
• I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.--Lily Tomlin
• The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war. Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever see that little Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon there. Corkscrews. Bottle openers. 'Come on, buddy, let's go. You get past me, the guy in back of me, he's got a spoon. Back off. I've got the toe clippers right here.' --Jerry Seinfeld
• Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my fishburger and I realize, Oh my God....I could be eating a slow learner.--Lynda Montgomery
• Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography. --Paul Rodriguez
• And always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said, 'A truck!' --Emo Phillips
• My mother always told me I wouldn't amount to anything because I procrastinate. I said 'Just wait.' --Judy Tenuta