Killing Me Softly

I noticed on my toothpaste tube that there is an advisory (not a warning) that says don't swallow. Don't swallow the toothpaste. I find that disturbing.

I am also undoubtedly getting radiated by my cell phone and by convenience store microwave ovens. I cook with Teflon pans and I reheat food in Styrofoam containers.

I don't even want to think about all the gas fumes I've inhaled in my gas tank filling years and all the saccharin and red dye number 2 I've consumed in my iced tea and cake frosting consuming years.

Need I mention the second hand smoke I've inhaled in countless bars and restaurants and from relatives cigarettes? I used to love to sit on the floor at my grandparents' feet and watch the smoke curl from their cigarettes.

I had no idea I was flirting with death on a daily basis. Come on bird flu. Give me your best shot.

Penny Lane Very Strange - Part 2

Last month, I did a post questioning the nature of reality and consciousness. A couple of weeks ago, I did another post about some strange coincidences that have happened to me in the last couple of months. Most of those coincidences were in some way related to The Beatles.

As I mentioned before, my son and daughter-in-law gave me a copy of The Beatles The Biography by Bob Spitz for Christmas. I have the book on my nightstand. This morning as I was getting ready for work I thought, "Okay, if someone is trying to tell me something through this book, lets see what it might be."

I picked up the book, opened it to a random page (page 564 to be exact) and, I swear to you, this is what I saw:

Chapter 28

Into the Cosmic Consciousness

New Kid on the Block

There is a new music venue in Beaumont and, last night, it immediately became my favorite. We (me, Terry, Dan, Roger and Melissa) started our evening at the best Chinese restaurant in Beaumont, Great China. From there, we went to the Star Bar to see a little of Jack's (formerly Wang Chi) favorite local band Nine Station Drive.

Around 11:30, we decided to go to The Back Room and see The Chris LeBlanc Band. The Back Room is a small club inside of Cactus Canyon. You can tell from the pictures that intimate is an understatement. The sound system is fantastic and the arrangement of the tables downstairs and rail seating on the balcony upstairs makes for an up close and personal music experience.

If you were anywhere else in Beaumont last night, you were in the wrong place. Chris plays a wide variety of music but his specialty is the blues. My favorite performance of the evening, however, was a cover of Led Zeppelin's Whole Lotta love. It was an amazing rendition. Chris was joined onstage by Brent Coon (local attorney, music promoter, Image 6 guitarist) on backup vocals.

I have more pictures from the evening posted on Flickr (see the sidebar). Future shows at Cactus Canyon are Leon Russell on 3/9 and Little River Band on 3/30. I've seen both of them recently and they still put on fantastic shows. I don't know if they'll be in The Back Room or if they'll be in the front portion of Cactus Canyon in the larger room, but when we saw Styx at Cactus Canyon, the sound was excellent.

Check out Chris' website for future shows. He told us he'll be in Germany for most of March but if he is ever in your neck of the woods, do yourself a favor and get off the couch and go see him.

Jowling

This is a picture of my nephew Alec. He is jowling. Don't feel bad. I had never heard of it either. My sister sent me this picture because she was so proud that he made it onto the jowlers webite as one of the top jowlers.

According to Terry, true jowling takes great skill and finesse. You must relax your face muscles as much as possible, let your jaw go slack and shake like hell. She adds, from personal experience, a word of caution to lady jowlers, "Remove earrings before attempting to jowl, especially the large one or ones with pointy things. You could put out an eye or send one flying and put out someone else's eye. Yeah, it hurts like hell!"

I had no idea this was going on. I can't imagine how they can turn their heads that fast. Below is a picture of Alec when he isn't jowling.

Admit it. You're trying to do it right now, aren't you?

Baiting God

In my never ending search for a lovah-man, I have decided to try to create some good-bad karma by complaining incessantly about the allegedly wonderful men currently in my friends' lives in the hopes that God will say, "Fine, Laurie. Let's see how you act with a wonderful, romantic, loving man of your own. Let's just see how you like that!"

So, off we go...

Men are dirty, good-for-nothing, rotten bastards. They can't be trusted. Sure they're all nice and sweet at first but just wait a while. He put rose petals in your bath water you say? Hasn't he ever heard of spider mites?! Aphids?! Sawflies?! Let's see if one dose of Diflucan can clear THAT up. Yeah, that's right. I said it. I bet he's married. Yeah, lousy lying skunk rat. He has a great job, my big white ass. It's all lies. Lies I tell you.

How was that?

Boudreaux Makes a Deal

Received by e-mail from Jen at Looking for Dave:

Boudreaux was driving down the street in Breaux Bridge in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place.

Looking up toward heaven, he said "Lord, take some pity on me. If you find me a parkin' place, I'll go to Mass every Sunday fo' de ress of my life and give up drinking beer and chasin' wimmen."

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

Boudeaux looked up again, and said, "Nevermin', I foun' one."

More Guilty Pleasures

Last month, I posted some guilty pleasures. I have collected another gaggle of guilt.

Food and Drink
Starbucks Caramel Macchiato
Snickers
Mardi Gras King Cake
Little Debbie Swiss Cake Rolls
Monte Cristo sandwich (Battered and deep fried ham and cheese sandwich served with raspberry jam and french fries)

Music - Performers
Axl Rose
Slash
Tommy Lee
Beastie Boys
Wham
Boy George
Spandau Ballet
Meatloaf (the singer, not the food)
Dr. Hook
Captain and Tenille
Monkees
Hanson
Glen Campbell

Music - Songs
Muskrat Love
Who Let the Dogs Out?
These Boots Are Made For Walkin'
Harper Valley PTA

Video Games (based on cumulative hours of my life wasted)Tetris
Diner Dash
Civilization
Collapse
Sims (actually Sim anything)

At the Movies
Bad science fiction movies made before 1960
Kung Fu movies
1970’s cop movies
My Name is Nobody movies
Bruce Willis in Moonlighting
Tom Hanks in Bachelor Party
Bruce Willis in Blind Date
Tom Hanks in The Money Pit

Just Because...

Aieeeeeeeeee!!!

Several days ago I did a post with a poll question asking people how they say the word mayonnaise. Last night, as I was unloading groceries, a bottle of mi-nez (that's mayo to 23% of you) fell off the top rack of my refrigerator door and landed smack dab onto the tips of two of the toes on my left foot.

Luckily, it wasn't the glass jar of apple butter.

Unluckily, even though it was one of those new fangled plastic containers, it was full and hit those two toes at some kind of an angle that sent me into a cussing fit that would have embarrassed Andrew Dice Clay. I haven't cussed like that since Constantine got kicked off of American Idol last year.

First, I do a post about mayonnaise, then a container of mayonnaise jumps off the refrigerator door and smacks me on my toes. My life is just one big weird-ass, cosmic coincidence.

Yahoo!

I receive an e-mail every day from the Yahoo! Daily Wire which sends links to interesting sites. Today's site is Needled and it's about tattoos. The picture were amazing.

I won't, I won't, the hell I won't...

I received a piece of spam e-mail today from Mincemeat Q. Gonad. What kind of idiot would open an e-mail from someone named Mincemeat Q. Gonad? The answer is the kind that would be me. I couldn't resist.

Surprisingly, Mincemeat wasn't selling Viagra. He was selling educational software. That Mr. Gonad is quite the clever fellow.

Just a Joke

Man walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm and says: "Darling, this is the pig I have sex with when you have a headache."

His wife is lying in bed and replies: "I think you'll find that's a sheep, you idiot."

The man says: "I think you'll find I wasn't talking to you."

The Un-Bomber

Several years ago, not long after 9/11, we had a bomb scare here in Beaumont. Some alert children saw what appeared to be a pipe bomb in an intersection and called the police who sent out the bomb squad and evacuated a neighborhood.

We monitored the progress from our offices all day, following the regular updates closely. A special terrorist bomb squad from Houston was even called in. As it turned out, the alleged pipe bombs weren't bombs at all. However, according to the evening news, to be certain it wasn't a hoax in preparation for an actual bomb attack, a full investigation was going to be mounted.

As I was watching the evening news, Cory came in from the construction job he worked at while attending college. As he was crossing the living room, he abruptly stopped and asked, "Where was that?" I told him the neighborhood and he asked, "What did they find?" I told him that they had found some sections of pipe with duct tape on both ends at an intersection near a school. He asked, "How long did they say the pipe sections were?" I said, "Eighteen inches."
He said, "I made those."

I said, "WHAT?!"

He said, "My boss told me to cut several eighteen inch sections of pipe and duct tape both ends so they could be put into some foundation forms at the construction site at the school where we're working. Some of them must have fallen out of the back of his truck when we went to lunch. He drives like a maniac."

I told him he should call the authorities and he said he would talk to his boss first. I'm not sure if he ever spoke to his boss but we never received a visit from the authorities.

So, now it can be told, Beaumont. My son was the Beaumont Un-bomber. Is there a statute of limitations on un-bombing?

New Poll

Blog Flux has created a poll tool that maps the results. This should be pretty interesting although the poll question I came up with isn't interesting at all. Off we go...