Friday Night Standup (Two Days Late) - A. Whitney Brown

I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.

That is the saving grace of humor, if you fail no one is laughing at you.

The past actually happened but history is only what someone wrote down.

I'm not an athiest. How can you not believe in something that doesn't exist? That's way too convoluted for me.

My Grandmother told me that there was a passage in the bible that says, "It is better to spill your seed in the belly of a whore, than to spill it on the ground." So, I tried both. And the bible's right! It's way better. That's one of the reasons they call it the good book.

Waterboarding -- that's what America does to its prisoners now. Dunking them in water until they confess. Of course, you have to remember -- we uncovered a lot of witches that way. So, credit where credit is due.

There are a billion people in China. It's not easy to be an individual in a crowd of more than a billion people. Think of it. More than a BILLION people. That means even if you're a one-in-a-million type of guy, there are still a thousand guys exactly like you.