Top Ten Things to Keep in Mind if Your Friend Asks You to Work the Door at a Bar

1. If someone, probably underage, OFFERS you their ID, it’s probably fake.

2. Most probably-fake IDs offered by probably-underage persons are from out of state and it will take you forever to locate the birth date on the ID, which doesn’t matter anyway since it’s probably not that person’s ID.

3. Drunk men shouldn't mess with the wives of the members of the band.

4. The amount of conversation from patrons paying their cover charge is directly proportional to the amount of cleavage you have showing.

5. Don’t make eye contact with “Earl.”

6. “The Management” will tell you to watch for smokers (no smoking allowed in Beaumont bars), don’t let people leave with alcohol and be sure to check IDs and mark the hands of people who are too young to drink.

7. Tell “The Management” you are not a bouncer. You are working the door because “The Bar” requires “The Band” to provide the person to take the money and because you enjoy chatting and messing with people when they come in. You are not an employee of “The Bar” and, if they want somebody to police the clientele, they should hire a bouncer.

8. The guy that shows up after midnight selling “tamales” gets in free.

9. When your girlfriends notice a commotion and see people leaving in a hurry and decide to follow the crowd outside, all you can do is look at the guys (who were smart enough to NOT go outside) and say, “They’re gonna get shot.” The guys will look back at you, shrug and say, “Prob-ab-ly.”

10. There will be one asshole who is too cheap to pay the $5 cover and will tell you, “We’re running the sound.” No, you aren’t douchebag. I’m working the door. You think I don’t know the sound guy? He probably thinks he already spends enough money on booze, so he shouldn’t have to pay the $5 cover. What the prick-head doesn’t realize is that the cover charge goes to the band, not the bar. You aren’t clever, cheap-ass. You’re a douche.