Sloth Guy

When I was working the door at a local bar a few weeks ago, a couple of young guys came in. One was normal and the other one was not only weird, but totally f*cked up.

The normal one said, “Do you want to see his ID?”

“Yeah,” I said, “In fact, I want to see your ID, too.”

I checked normal guy’s probably-fake ID and turned to weird guy. Weird guy was standing there with his eyes half closed and doing something weird and snake-ish with his tongue. He would slowly open his mouth and run his tongue along the back of his front teeth, then close his mouth again. Normal guy told weird guy, “She wants to see your ID.”

Weird guy said, “Okay, just a minute.”

I looked at normal guy, normal guy looked at me, then we both looked back at weird guy.

Eventually, weird guy slowly pulled out his ID, all the while doing that weird thing with his tongue. Of course, the ID was from Georgia and I couldn’t find the birth date on it, which really didn’t matter because it was no doubt fake and I’m not the police nor the bar owner, so I really didn’t see much point in making a big deal about it since the bar obviously didn’t have anybody capable of ejecting anyone anyway.

If I was this bar's first line of defense, they obviously didn’t give much of a sh*t about little technicalities like underage drinking or letting f*cked up people into the bar anyway. I found out later that, supposedly, I had also let someone into the bar who was carrying a gun. I guess I was supposed to bring along my own personal metal detector, too.

Next order of business for my two odd little patrons was to collect the $5 cover charge from them. I gave back weird sloth guy's ID and said, “$5.” Normal guy paid me his cover charge, then we both looked back at weird guy who said, “Okay, just a minute.”

Normal guy and I both stared at weird snake tongue guy until he slowly took out $5 and handed it to me, still doing the tongue thing. Finally, off they went to enjoy the lovely music and frosty cold adult beverages.

Several hours later, normal guy came back up to me and said, “Have you seen my friend?”

I said, “That guy who kept doing that thing with his tongue?!”

He said, “Uh. I don’t know. Yeah…I guess.”

(How could he have possibly not noticed the tongue thing?)

I said, “Sorry, haven’t seen him.”

Normal guy said, “Well, I’m trying to find him so I can bring him home.”

“Good plan,” says I.

Weird guy eventually came in from outside through a door that is normally used only by employees. When he came back in, he was smoking a cigarette. Somebody told him he couldn’t smoke inside, he did the snake-tongue thing, said “Okay, just a minute,” and his friend led him outside and, hopefully, directly to rehab.