I risk the wrath of my son, mother and every sibling, relative and friend I have to tell you the following story, because it's for your own good.
As I was driving down a deserted street near my house a short while ago, the car in front of me suddenly stopped and the rear door opened. I reached for the shift to put my car in reverse, because I thought someone was going to get out of the car and attack me or shoot me or just generally freak me out in some way. Instead of one of the above, a very large girl spilled out of the door and stumbled into the ditch beside the road. Then, the car drove away.
I drove a short way, turned onto my street and stopped. I couldn't just let the girl lay in the ditch, could I? Could I? No, I couldn't. Idiot. What would a sensible person do? A sensible person would go home, dial 911 and crouch behind her curtains peering into the evil darkness. Not me. I am not a sensible person. I opened my car door and shouted to her, "Are you okay?"
The girl was making unintelligible grunting sounds which in my freaked out state of mind meant she had been kidnapped, beaten and dumped on the side of the road. As I considered my next move, the car that had dumped the girl and driven away, came back.
My first thought was that the car came back to pick up the girl and that would be the end of that. That first thought was erased when I saw that the people in the car had seen me. As they turned onto my street, I got back into my car and tried to haul ass.
This is the part of the story where I risk the wrath of my family and friends to tell you a very important thing. If bad people are following you, do not...I repeat...do not drive into your own fucking garage of the very house in which you actually live. Be a normal person and pull out your cell phone and calmly drive around as you dial 911 explaining to the police in a very calm voice that possible kidnapper-murderer-rapist-girl dumpers are following you around your neighborhood.
By the time I realized I had been a dumbass by turning into my very own driveway, one of the possible kidnapper-murderer-rapist-girl dumpers had gotten out of their car and was shouting at me. Holy fuck. I closed my garage door, ran in the house and dialed 911.
Dispatch told me there was a police car very close to me and that they would first go check on the girl and then come talk to me. When the officer got to my house, he explained that they had found the girl and all the parties involved where I had last seen the girl, because the possible kidnapper-murderer-rapist-girl dumpers were there trying to get the very intoxicated girl back into the car before somebody called the police.
I asked, "Are they going to come back to get me?"
The policeman said, "They're all too drunk to know where they are. The woman in the ditch had been hitting her boyfriend in the car and when they stopped the vehicle to try to make her quit hitting him, she jumped out of the car and fell into the ditch."
I said, "So, they're not going to come get me?"
"No," he said. "The woman was definitely the aggressor in this whole thing and is going to jail for public intoxication and the rest of them went on their way."
"So, they're not going to come get me?
"No," he repeated. "They are not going to come get you."
So, here I am. Safe and sound. Typing a blog post. My blogging friends will understand. In the midst of my fear and panic and anger at myself for being the stupid girl we've all screamed at in every horror movie/ murder mystery we've ever seen, my main thought was, "This is going to make a great blog post."