I passed by a fried chicken restaurant yesterday and there was a smiling cartoon chicken outside the restaurant holding up a sign with the specials for the day written on it. That  seemed to me to be highly inappropriate. A chicken shouldn't be pimping out the delicious fried meat of his fellow species.

Bastards!

Yesterday, a very good friend of mine (possibly named later, if it's okay with her) went to the church where she works at 4:00 p.m. in a populated area of Beaumont's west end to pop in and out and get something she needed.before running errands for her job.  

While she was inside, someone broke the back window on her car and stole her purse.  She forgot she had the church credit card and, by the time she canceled it, the bastards had charged things in Winnie, Baytown and Houston.  She saw TWO Suburbans leaving the church parking lot when she came out and they went toward the highway.

I'm thankful that the criminals chose my friend randomly and hadn't been watching her waiting for the perfect opportunity to rob her, but I'm also angry that these Houston SOBs are targeting our Beaumont mothers.  The police told my friend that these guys target mothers at day care centers (there is a school and day care at the church), because they know the moms are busy, frazzled, have their hands full and leave their purses in the car.

Saturday night, I prayed that these particular friends would make it home from the big Halloween celebration downtown unscathed.  In my weird brain, I'm picturing The Universe saying, "Okay, safe they shall be Saturday, but Monday we still need that purse."

Thank you God for keeping them safe.  Everybody else, be careful out there and lock your purse in the trunk before you leave work to pick up your kids.

Bastards, who stole the purse...

Karma.

That's all.

Just...karma.

PS: People send out goofy ass e-mails about needles in gas pump hoses and poison on the back of business cards, but nobody forwards e-mails about the real stuff.   Please tell your friends about this.  
 
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Self Examination

There's nothing like a beautiful sunshine-y morning to make you open up the blinds, let the sun pour in and ask yourself, "Holy shit.  When's the last time I dusted this rat hole?"

My Morning

• 7:30 a.m. Power went out as I sat down to my makeup mirror
• 7:30 a.m. Large stuffed animal fell out of a chair in my office beside my bathroom at the exact same time the lights went out 
• 7:32 a.m. Packed up things to finish getting ready at work
• 7:33 a.m. Continued to flip light switches even though I knew the power was out
• 7:36 a.m. Left for work with wet hair and no makeup
• 7:37 a.m. Tried to close garage door with garage door opener like an idiot
• 7:37 a.m. Got out of car to close garage door manually and smelled smoke
• 7:37 a.m. Freaked out
• 7:38 a.m.  No smoke pouring out of my townhouse or any others around me
• 7:38 a.m.  Stopped freaking out
• 7:39 a.m.  Drove to work
• 7:40 a.m. Tuned radio to local station to try to find out why there was a power outage and smoke in the air and heard disc jockeys talking about "alternate paths" and "we'll be out there later"
• 7:41 a.m. Freaked out 
• 7:42 a.m. I realized the disc jockeys were talking about the path for a procession for a local soldier who died in Afghanistan  (RIP)
• 7:46 a.m  Tried to pull into the parking lot at work, but there was a man walking two huge black Great Danes and a lady was blocking my path into the parking lot, I assume, out of fear of the dogs.  She wouldn't move left or right, forward or backward.  She just stood there.  MOVE dammit!
• 7:50 a.m.  Walked into my office to find two co-workers already there who never get to work before me.  Never.

Weird ass morning.

Don't Go Back in the House!

I got a call from my four year old grand-fabulous-daughter yesterday. A fireman and firetruck went to her preschool Wednesday. She told me the following all in one big, rushed, important, excited breath, "Grandma! I got to go on a BIG firetruck! The fireman told us that if there's an emergency, we have to call 911. Do you know that grandma? Call 911! He said that if there's a fire to go outside EVEN IF IT'S DARK! Go outside. Don't go back in for your baby dolls. Don't go back in for your puppy. Don't go back in for your kitty. He said, 'Your mommy and daddy will buy you a new baby doll or a new puppy or a new kitty.' It won't be the same baby doll, but that's okay. Don't go back in the house! Okay, grandma?"

Red Hot Chili Peppers = A Bunch of Old Guys

The smartass punk kid on VH-1 Countdown (just kidding about the smartass thing...I like him) just announced that this video is number one this week and "even though they're a little bit older, they still make great videos."

So, I thought, "When did the Red Hot Chili Peppers become a bunch of old guys in the eyes of the VH1 world?" The VH1 audience isn't exactly the young MTV crowd. So, I looked it up. Flea and Anthony Kiedis are both 50. How is that possible? I think I need a nap and some Geritol.

On another note, "Pop Up Video" is coming back. I love "Pop Up Video."

15 Minutes of Fame

My daughter-in-law went to a "Fame Party" and had the pictures below taken of their beautiful family. They are incredible. I'm not sure if this is available everywhere, but this is such a great idea. It's sort of like a Tupperware party, but with a photographer. Each family gets 15 minutes with the photographer and you purchase the whole CD of photos to do whatever you like with them. You can also purchase prints. Here's the link: Fame Parties.

My Grand-Fabulous-Son Talking About His Day

This is my one year old grand-fabulous-son Lucas (4 year old Ava's fabulous little brother) talking about his day.  What do you think he's saying?  I would love to know.

If I was a cop...

...I would spend all day searching for assholes who run stop signs.  Then, I would stop the asshole, turn off my cop-car-camera and slap the piss out of him.  Then, I would turn my cop-car-camera back on and give the asshole the largest possible ticket allowed by law.  Then, I would go to court on the day that the asshole tries to tell the judge (a) that he didn't run a stop sign and (b) that I slapped the piss out of him.  Then, I would tell the judge, "Throw the book at the fucker!"

Then, I'd probably have to get another job, but it would be so worth it.


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"It Might be Diarrhea"

Saturday, I had lunch with my family including my 4 year-old grand-fabulous-daughter Ava.  As usual, while we were waiting for our food, she announced, "Grandma!  I have to go to the bathroom."  Her dad was the same way as a child.  Every trip to a restaurant required an inspection of the facilities.

So, off we went.  When we got to the bathroom, she went into the stall, locked the door and announced that she was a big girl now and I did not need to go in there with her and that I did not have to help her wipe.

I made a quick scan of the restroom and decided that, if necessary, I could squiggle under the door in the event of a potty emergency.  Although, I didn't have to squiggle under the door for Ava, in an unusual bit of foreshadowing, later in the weekend I did squiggle under a door into a restroom stall to assist a friend in need.  That's a different blog post.

There was a young girl in the restroom with us and as she was complimenting me on Ava's cuteness, Ava announced from the stall, "Grandma, I think I have to poo poo."

"Okay," I said.

"It won't come out," she announced.

"That's okay," I said.  "Take your time."

"I'll sing.  That always helps me poo poo better."

The young girl stifled a giggle and as she left, a mother/daughter duo came into the bathroom in the middle of Ava's Poo Poo Serenade.  It was a lovely lyrically creative and melodically diverse tune.  And, it was loud.

The mother smiled at me and I smiled back.

"Grandma," Ava said, "I'm going to take off my skirt and my panties.  If I don't take them off, I might get poop on them and then people will be walking by me and they'll smell something bad and they'll say what's that smell and it will be poop on my skirt and on my panties.  I'm going to take them off."

"That's a good idea," I said.

As the mother/daughter team left the restroom stifling their own giggles, another lady walked in.  At this point, Ava announced, "Grandma.  I think it's di-uh-reeee-uh.  Yep.  It's di-uh-reee-uh."

That was when I quit trying to stifle my own giggles and busted out laughing.  Ava decided that this new turn of events might require some extra grandma help with the wiping and opened the stall door for me.

I'm pleased to announce that there was no di-uh-reeee-uh and the skirt and panties remained poop free.

To paraphrase 10cc, "The things we do for love...like walking in the rain and the snow...and helping your grand-fabulous-daughter go."

Mission accomplished.

No means no

A word of advice to all wait staff and, in particular, to the nice waitress who waited on us at Chili's today: Obviously, your manager told you to push the margaritas.  Perhaps, he actually did tell you that he would buy you a steak dinner if you sold enough margaritas. 

Even though we politely refused several times, you kept offering them anyway. Please keep in mind that you might be standing at the table of a person or persons in recovery or who possibly cannot drink alcohol.

That wasn't the case at our table, but you need to keep this in mind. When people say, "No, thank you," drop it. 

No means no.

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Tip to Stay Young

I like this tip a lot.  I think being in contact with lots of my former classmates and other fabulous people I haven't communicated with in 20 or 30 years through Facebook has turned back my mental clock...in a good way.  One great thing about being 56 is that I can be nostalgic about the '60s, '70s, '80s and  '90s.  I'll never run out of material to use to make myself feel young(er) again. 

From CNN.com - 

"Step back in time"

"Did you love punk rock music in college? Load some Sex Pistols tracks on your iPod. You might think that being so nostalgic would make you feel ancient, but research shows it can have the opposite effect.

In one study at Harvard University, people who were placed in an environment that resembled their youth -- with movies, music, and memorabilia from the past -- experienced marked improvements in their memory, vision, happiness level, and overall health.

'It shows that our mind-set is what limits us,' says lead researcher Ellen Langer, Ph.D., author of 'Counterclockwise.'

So do something that really takes you back (like re-reading your Anne Rice paperbacks!)."

Is that normal?

Yesterday when I was walking the neighborhood, I saw a white cat sitting in a yard being dive-bombed by dragonflies.  It was strange, because there were no dragonflies anywhere else.  Yet, there were about fifty of them torturing that poor cat.

Today, I saw possibly the same white cat leaning into a storm drain across the street from the dragonfly yard.  As I got closer, the cat leaned further and further into the drain and then jumped down into god knows where.  I went to the house of the dragonfly yard and rang the bell to see if the cat belonged to them, but nobody answered.

Do cats do this?  Will it be able to get out?  If it jumps up to get out, I don't see how it would be able to get out without hitting its head and falling back into the storm drain.

WTF?


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Beach Day! Crystal Beach, Texas (Bolivar Peninsula)